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《 LOCAL PERSON GETS PTSD FROM EGO DEATH 》
Jan. 17th, 2023 11:16 pm(a collage of several different vent journal entries, over the span of jan 6th - jan 15th)
Tag Line;
i am a reincarnated soul. i am all my souls and lives behind me.
Intro;
i cant tell if i ever really felt like i could be present in those ones or if it just this one. i feel like a glitch in the system, and i have my whole life(outside of the autism). like i was messed up from the start. like i was never meant to be fully understood by the other humans, to be able to explain myself in a way i would want them to understand. im not even supposed to understand myself, i think im just supposed to exist. i was made to be an observer, only existing to relay information and wisdom to others. never to be accepted, as i am not supposed to be truly acknowledged as more than a narrator(like in fight club). im not meant to have a name. well, i am, just not one that others can use. the world exists as a place for gods and angels and demons to give me information, and for me to process and give back to the others around me. an ecosystem. i was wrong in dreams having any place in this, but i was right that i am my true self in them. i can fully exist as my soul(when realized) through dreams. i am one person who can actively practice to live without needing to explain myself, and can say and do whatever i want, relationships small and fleeting with the only purpose being to experience them in the moment and not worry when or if we'll ever meet again.
its hard for me to practice these beliefs irl, as they have consequences attached to them. other people exist on the same level as i do, and the human level isnt very forgiving. i wanna be anonymous again and say whatever i want. post whatever i want. be whoever i want. use any images i want. i should just do that anyway. if my friends dont like me than theyre not real friends.
there is something spiritually enlightening about being entirely anonymous tho, the internet is interesting for this possibility. but its unhealthy for me to not be true to the people who know me. i have to wrap my head around allowing myself to exist however i want without witholding things.
Part 1, Ego Death;
i realized recently that i have more blocks than i thought. when i tried to let myself view《
as we've come to learn, the real transformation comes from the previous internalization of femininity, as well as the false perception of being bubbly all the time(irl we're not, internally we are, so theres the confusion). we have many different faces, all during different emotions. we hated that tomboy extrovert personality type even when we were the person our brain associates with being that, so i dont think we ever were that. ego death is a process of accepting that you are not just one thing, and you dont need to view yourself as anything, you just need to truly exist as yourself.
things we didnt know about ourselves is that we are quite shy. we are also quite loud, but in a masculine way. we're forcing the newer bunny views onto ourselves, but also its somewhat true. its hard to know for sure when we're just by ourselves in an echo-chamber of thoughts, as they arent as genuine as real reactions. i dont know how to view myself as just myself without thinking about gender, since i have such a tainted view of what being female and gay is. i view it as masculine, a girl trying to be a boy, which i am not doing. i am a girl trying to be feminine, who also is bisexual and bigender, which just appears as a glitchy mass in my brain....i wish i could see it clearly. see myself clearly(im different than everyone else, is what i say, even tho i know its just based on false views of others).
i have a lot of ideal forms, but i think i have to recognize that my 'ego' self from before was also based on ideals, and not reality. i was much different irl than i was as my past 'ego', and i actually misremember that experience. i didnt exist as the person i view myself as as an outer percpective.
a concept that hasnt fully been explored yet is Full Femininity. i dabbled a bit on it when i had long hair, and its impossible to do so again without it. i had a theory recently that a part of the restriction comes from past rejections of femininity in order to be unique and fit what i wanted to be based on the people i liked. im not a tomboy, but im also not entirely light colors either. i have times where i think itd be fun to dressup emo or scene, but prefer those outfits to have some femininity in their stylization too. i have spent my entire life pushing away dressing or presenting Girly, only in the recent years(being able to due to t) trying out dressing in bright colors and feminine clothing. always in an alternative way as to excuse it. but looking like a Girl is another thing im coming to realize that i've blocked away. i remember being a kid and secretly loving it when girls put makeup on me, and i secretly liked the popular Girly Girl lifestyle too. i just didnt understand why girls like that liked me, so i pushed the lifestyle, as well as them, away out of confusion. but its ok now. people dont see me as female anymore.
at the same time i crave to uplift both my male and female traits. longer hair, prettier face, more beard, lower voice. i need to go on a higher dose of t again. i wish i could just change my voice so i could feel better. and i wish my bangs would lie flat and cover my eyebrows. i wanna sound like a newgrounds guy and be a pretty girl at the same time. i realized i need for others to hear my voice and think im male, the need for others to think im male.
looking at my old 2014 passport and i. i think that theres intersex genes in the family(i suspect my aunt but have never asked) and i'll never know if i was intersex or not bc of my current hormone fuckup lifestyle....i was supposed to be a little boy who blossomed into a girl but not in a detransitioned radfem way. a genetic + mentally ill way.
and comparing my old face and my new face in the mirror i saw myself differently than all the other times ive looked at old photos. i looked completely like a stranger. and that might be a good thing. thats the whole current mindset, right? that we dont want to recognize ourselves? in order to move on and be a new person? it was weird. it was like seeing the conclusion i already knew but clearer. i looked like her, but bc of that my view of my current face started to change, and i think it will even more when i get my hair back.
i need to somehow view that past self thats stuck in here as someone different. as someone who is a girl. not comparing them to any pre-perceived views of people. and i need to learn to be open about it too....i struggle with that bc i dont know if its true or not yet. i know that people already have their own perceptions of me different than what i want, but lying to them about something im not 100% certain on yet feels weird.
Part 2, Past Feelings Re-examined;
saw a girl in one of my dreams last night and felt attracted to her, and questioned why. and questioned what it was i was really feeling(while in the dream for a brief moment).
thinking afterwards about what if she was in front of me. what if she said 'i love you, i want to take care of you, i love you so much as you are' and hugged me tight.....is that friendship? is that just close friends? if she were embracing me from behind in bed, and she wasnt afraid to do so....and if she really genuinely meant it.
i could never tell if the attraction i felt towards girls when i was younger was romantic or just bc i was lonely. if i just wanted to be their friends. bc i was always the only alt kid in my grade since i was little, and i mightve just wanted to have an alt friend, yknow? i only ever managed to get an alt friend once while in grade 8/9, and all i got from that was an aroace ramble in my Secret Diary Text File at the time. but i couldve also been pushing away feelings too.
being bisexual and multigender is so confusing. its confusing bc its the answer that i can never seem to find, and yet i know it already. i wish i got crushes more often so i could analyze it more.
i want to believe in not having to work for finding or maintaining relationships, but rather just letting them come to me as god decides. except, he has done that, and i keep saying No to them. but i have to learn that a truly good relationship, even a friendship, you wont want to say no to. you'll want to talk to them. human relationships are the hardest thing for someone not human.
