＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚ 😇＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚

《 LOCAL PERSON GETS PTSD FROM EGO DEATH 》

2023-01-18T07:15:00Z

(a collage of several different vent journal entries, over the span of jan 6th - jan 15th)

Tag Line;

~~being suicidal and hating myself blah blah blah~~
i am a reincarnated soul. i am all my souls and lives behind me.

Intro;

i cant tell if i ever really felt like i could be present in those ones or if it just this one. i feel like a glitch in the system, and i have my whole life(outside of the autism). like i was messed up from the start. like i was never meant to be fully understood by the other humans, to be able to explain myself in a way i would want them to understand. im not even supposed to understand myself, i think im just supposed to exist. i was made to be an observer, only existing to relay information and wisdom to others. never to be accepted, as i am not supposed to be truly acknowledged as more than a narrator(like in fight club). im not meant to have a name. well, i am, just not one that others can use. the world exists as a place for gods and angels and demons to give me information, and for me to process and give back to the others around me. an ecosystem. i was wrong in dreams having any place in this, but i was right that i am my true self in them. i can fully exist as my soul(when realized) through dreams. i am one person who can actively practice to live without needing to explain myself, and can say and do whatever i want, relationships small and fleeting with the only purpose being to experience them in the moment and not worry when or if we'll ever meet again.

its hard for me to practice these beliefs irl, as they have consequences attached to them. other people exist on the same level as i do, and the human level isnt very forgiving. i wanna be anonymous again and say whatever i want. post whatever i want. be whoever i want. use any images i want. i should just do that anyway. if my friends dont like me than theyre not real friends.

there is something spiritually enlightening about being entirely anonymous tho, the internet is interesting for this possibility. but its unhealthy for me to not be true to the people who know me. i have to wrap my head around allowing myself to exist however i want without witholding things.

Part 1, Ego Death;

i realized recently that i have more blocks than i thought. when i tried to let myself view《~~natalie~~》, i restricted myself out of knowing it'd bring me discomfort. ive never felt that way for a thought before(i always address everything). i think its bc i really dont know what im supposed to do with her. am i supposed to let her go or let her grow? i dont wanna be her, bc i(several alters) dont like her, but ego death is suppose to be accepting that you are not just that part of you, that youre multifaceted. but also the reason you havent moved on is bc of those restrictions. you need to address and understand and accept that part of yourself in order to let her go, which just sounds like a cliche phrase with no meaning, but you have to figure out what the instructions are.

as we've come to learn, the real transformation comes from the previous internalization of femininity, as well as the false perception of being bubbly all the time(irl we're not, internally we are, so theres the confusion). we have many different faces, all during different emotions. we hated that tomboy extrovert personality type even when we were the person our brain associates with being that, so i dont think we ever were that. ego death is a process of accepting that you are not just one thing, and you dont need to view yourself as anything, you just need to truly exist as yourself.

things we didnt know about ourselves is that we are quite shy. we are also quite loud, but in a masculine way. we're forcing the newer bunny views onto ourselves, but also its somewhat true. its hard to know for sure when we're just by ourselves in an echo-chamber of thoughts, as they arent as genuine as real reactions. i dont know how to view myself as just myself without thinking about gender, since i have such a tainted view of what being female and gay is. i view it as masculine, a girl trying to be a boy, which i am not doing. i am a girl trying to be feminine, who also is bisexual and bigender, which just appears as a glitchy mass in my brain....i wish i could see it clearly. see myself clearly(im different than everyone else, is what i say, even tho i know its just based on false views of others).

i have a lot of ideal forms, but i think i have to recognize that my 'ego' self from before was also based on ideals, and not reality. i was much different irl than i was as my past 'ego', and i actually misremember that experience. i didnt exist as the person i view myself as as an outer percpective.

a concept that hasnt fully been explored yet is Full Femininity. i dabbled a bit on it when i had long hair, and its impossible to do so again without it. i had a theory recently that a part of the restriction comes from past rejections of femininity in order to be unique and fit what i wanted to be based on the people i liked. im not a tomboy, but im also not entirely light colors either. i have times where i think itd be fun to dressup emo or scene, but prefer those outfits to have some femininity in their stylization too. i have spent my entire life pushing away dressing or presenting Girly, only in the recent years(being able to due to t) trying out dressing in bright colors and feminine clothing. always in an alternative way as to excuse it. but looking like a Girl is another thing im coming to realize that i've blocked away. i remember being a kid and secretly loving it when girls put makeup on me, and i secretly liked the popular Girly Girl lifestyle too. i just didnt understand why girls like that liked me, so i pushed the lifestyle, as well as them, away out of confusion. but its ok now. people dont see me as female anymore.

at the same time i crave to uplift both my male and female traits. longer hair, prettier face, more beard, lower voice. i need to go on a higher dose of t again. i wish i could just change my voice so i could feel better. and i wish my bangs would lie flat and cover my eyebrows. i wanna sound like a newgrounds guy and be a pretty girl at the same time. i realized i need for others to hear my voice and think im male, the need for others to think im male.

looking at my old 2014 passport and i. i think that theres intersex genes in the family(i suspect my aunt but have never asked) and i'll never know if i was intersex or not bc of my current hormone fuckup lifestyle....i was supposed to be a little boy who blossomed into a girl but not in a detransitioned radfem way. a genetic + mentally ill way.

and comparing my old face and my new face in the mirror i saw myself differently than all the other times ive looked at old photos. i looked completely like a stranger. and that might be a good thing. thats the whole current mindset, right? that we dont want to recognize ourselves? in order to move on and be a new person? it was weird. it was like seeing the conclusion i already knew but clearer. i looked like her, but bc of that my view of my current face started to change, and i think it will even more when i get my hair back.

i need to somehow view that past self thats stuck in here as someone different. as someone who is a girl. not comparing them to any pre-perceived views of people. and i need to learn to be open about it too....i struggle with that bc i dont know if its true or not yet. i know that people already have their own perceptions of me different than what i want, but lying to them about something im not 100% certain on yet feels weird.

Part 2, Past Feelings Re-examined;

saw a girl in one of my dreams last night and felt attracted to her, and questioned why. and questioned what it was i was really feeling(while in the dream for a brief moment).

thinking afterwards about what if she was in front of me. what if she said 'i love you, i want to take care of you, i love you so much as you are' and hugged me tight.....is that friendship? is that just close friends? if she were embracing me from behind in bed, and she wasnt afraid to do so....and if she really genuinely meant it.

i could never tell if the attraction i felt towards girls when i was younger was romantic or just bc i was lonely. if i just wanted to be their friends. bc i was always the only alt kid in my grade since i was little, and i mightve just wanted to have an alt friend, yknow? i only ever managed to get an alt friend once while in grade 8/9, and all i got from that was an aroace ramble in my Secret Diary Text File at the time. but i couldve also been pushing away feelings too.

being bisexual and multigender is so confusing. its confusing bc its the answer that i can never seem to find, and yet i know it already. i wish i got crushes more often so i could analyze it more.

i want to believe in not having to work for finding or maintaining relationships, but rather just letting them come to me as god decides. except, he has done that, and i keep saying No to them. but i have to learn that a truly good relationship, even a friendship, you wont want to say no to. you'll want to talk to them. human relationships are the hardest thing for someone not human.

comments

{Waiting...}

2023-01-18T06:08:42Z

things im currently growing;

my Hair ➪ i cut it all off august 26th, so its been almost 5 months. its painful to wait bc i have no control over how fast it grows, and it'll most likely take another 6 months or so just to get it back down to shoulder length.

my Nails ➪ this is the first time ive grown them out! its getting easier with time, but i still have to stop myself from picking at the skin. about half of them have grown past my finger tip and im still getting used to them. i wanna paint them when theyve all grown out^^b

my Beard ➪ i recently started trying to use the gel packs again, but its hard forcing myself to do it every night. also the current dose is too low and my voice is getting higher again. im not sure when my next checkup is but i hope its soon....theres a couple hairs starting to grow on my jaw, but its still mostly just my chin.

my Money ➪ goal is 6000 by june, but i get paid 900 a month(minus 200 for rent)(minus anything else but im trying to have a budget of at most 50 a month) and im only at just over 2000. i might make it if i try hard enough(i wanna go be mentally ill in japan i think).

my Eyebrows ➪ i usually have them shaved but im attempting to grow them out rn, with the goal to eventually....maintain them? shape them? have normal eyebrows for once? but somehow have them in a way where i dont hate them? idk.

comments

{distortion/dramatization of time through the lens of mental illness}

2022-11-16T00:17:52Z

(copy-pasted from my vent blog)

i was thinking about my highschool years AGAIN last night. but then i was remembering that bit in homestuck where john realizes that he only knew vriska for like a day. and i need to remind myself of that more. i was there for a year and a half. thats less than ive been out of highschool. none of those people matter. none of what happened actually matters(not true, they affected my brain forever as a bi-product of their behavior). im only 20.

for the first time in my life i feel young. i feel like ive barely been alive. all my previous years i spent focused on the year itself, and tho i still never really feel like my age, i suddenly feel like i havent been around that long. like i woke up. everyone younger than 20 thinks 20 is old, but thats only bc 20 years seems like a long time. this year ive unveiled the view of seeing life as incredibly short.

i still consistently have a reoccurring daydream about being older and successful and going back and raising myself, as well as living the aesthetics i didnt know how to experience. the internet and video games mostly. in this recent one i wasnt living at my parents house tho(as i usually imagine it) i had a biiiiig rich house with a bunch of stuff. like vrs and all my tech(also in order to keep your money from the future you need to store in it in something tradable from the past, like gold). i was trying to figure out how to fit in my younger self staying with me along with the divorce agreements(i figured i'd probably want to live there full-time by the time i turned 15, or after grade 8, and move too a new school on the island). oh yea, i lived on the island(vancouver island). i get there when my younger self is 8. and im also making online friends too, and at some point fly them over to play vr and show them my house.

but anyway, i spend a lot of time daydreaming how i couldve made my younger selfs life better by parenting them. but i should probably stop focusing so much on such a short period of time.

comments

{struggles with college application adhd hell}

2022-11-15T12:04:52Z

constantly just feel like im running out of time. while also staying up too late. i stay up late, sleep all day, then stay up late again and feel guilty for it. fuck my health fuck my brain FUCK my inability to do things anymore......

basically my current situation is that i need to finish a film by december. im stuck on the storyboarding. i have the dialog recorded, i have the script planned out, it was supposed to be a mocap film but since that didnt work out its now gonna be done through roto(i planned to let myself have 15 days to do so in case, which i ended up predicting correctly)(roto takes a lot longer as its manual). the thing is tho, just 17 seconds into the storyboards. ive come to the realization that....its boring. its 2 people talking back and forth. its gonna be a 5 minute long vent about something that only a select amount of people might even manage to comprehend. it may be cool and show off my way of thinking, but its definitely not something thatll grab the attention of the absolute stranger in charge of sifting through hundreds of college applications.

i need to basically brainstorm a film that i can film entirely on my own, in the environment that i live in. which is why i originally wanted to make a digital film. all through......i am going somewhere on the weekend. i could maybe film something there. something involving a character going back and forth. maybe a character collecting something in different places? or maybe just experiencing life there. trying to get something out of them.

or perhaps something is making them uncomfortable. something else is making them move from place to place.

alright, short film where a character tries to find a comfortable place to work on a script. it starts with them trying to get comfortable in their own room, but a voice in their head tells them that they need to get out more, which results in them taking off their headset. title card "discomfort". cut to roto character taking off headset in a virtual place, scrolling through a list of places. another character(their inner demon) shows up, looking over their shoulder, commenting on the places. they choose a nice park. cuts to protag at the park(all the irl stuff is first person), sitting under a tree, looking at their blank document. they type exterior day, but get stuck. the demon chimes in on how the place is too public, someone might see them like this. headset transition into the virtual place again. protag chooses another apartment. fast cuts of setting up at a desk. staring at the screen, staring out the window.. then tries setting up sitting on the bed. stick mentally blocked. transition to places like a library, a dock, and a porch staring at the sunset. the demon says other all these cuts that its not that fucking hard to start you know, at least for other people anyway, do you even know what youre doing? is this even what you want to be spending your time stressing over? a sigh from the protag. transition back to the digital world. the protag finally speaks 'why wont you let me work?' to which the demon replies 'i dont think you want to' -> 'bullshit' -> 'then go do it. go make something.' -> .... protag is back in their room. just standing there. then cuts to black.

now i have to actually make this into a script and hope its under 5 minutes -_-;

comments

etherical_angel @ 2022-11-14T03:20:00

2022-11-14T11:20:32Z

10 minutes away from 3am.

i havent been staying up late as often as i used to, but lately i've fell back into it. perhaps the new job adding a foreign source of routine is causing my brain to get urges to rebel again. who knows....i guess it's my responsibility to find out though.

journaling on here is much different from what im used to(tumblr mobiles smaller layout)(this one is a bit pressuring with its size). journaling on here feels like theres an expected professionalism, so i'll have to force myself to get used to it(this isnt a school assignment, theres no marks, nobodies grading you....). i have a couple of peoples substack journals bookmarked, the lengthy rambling sense of them activating my inspiration like an ingrained envious sleeper agent, but never really leading to anything(public, anyway)(here i am now i guess).

exactly 3am now.

my private tumblr is like an archive of a human brain, mix of teen girl diary entries and psych course papers, as well as a scrapbook of images desperately trying to form together to create a picture of ones identity(but forever adding more pieces). i do hope to make use of it someday. like picking pieces to edit into poems(some people say that poems can also be essays with rhythmical formatting. lucky me). i actually came across a website (either yesterday or several days ago) that takes submissions for literature from 'weirdos', created by a youtuber who's essay videos got fortunately graced by the youtube god algorithm. the site seems trustworthy based on the content of her videos.

10 minutes after 3am.

20 minutes of writing felt like nothing. has it really been that long? what have i been doing this whole time? i know i havent looked at any social media, nor have i watched any videos....did i zone out? or am i just a slow typer?(i got 46 words per minute earlier today when i took the test for the first time, which i dont think is too bad...maybe).

i was going to write about fixing my lifestyle, organizing it neatly in this little word container, promising to edit it in the future as i put the thoughts and theories into motion. having a place to put it instead of just leaving it to be lost in my vent blog(not true, i tag everything, but who's to say i'll actually check the tags <<). i've attempted it so many times in the past, different methods, different wording, bare minimum of expected effort, never successfully finding the sweet spot of productivity that ends up sticking.

20 minutes after 3am.

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＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ 😇＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚

《 LOCAL PERSON GETS PTSD FROM EGO DEATH 》

{Waiting...}

{distortion/dramatization of time through the lens of mental illness}

{struggles with college application adhd hell}

etherical_angel @ 2022-11-14T03:20:00

＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚ 😇＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚