{distortion/dramatization of time through the lens of mental illness}

[etherical_angel]

(copy-pasted from my vent blog)

i was thinking about my highschool years AGAIN last night. but then i was remembering that bit in homestuck where john realizes that he only knew vriska for like a day. and i need to remind myself of that more. i was there for a year and a half. thats less than ive been out of highschool. none of those people matter. none of what happened actually matters(not true, they affected my brain forever as a bi-product of their behavior). im only 20.

 

 

for the first time in my life i feel young. i feel like ive barely been alive. all my previous years i spent focused on the year itself, and tho i still never really feel like my age, i suddenly feel like i havent been around that long. like i woke up. everyone younger than 20 thinks 20 is old, but thats only bc 20 years seems like a long time. this year ive unveiled the view of seeing life as incredibly short. 

 

i still consistently have a reoccurring daydream about being older and successful and going back and raising myself, as well as living the aesthetics i didnt know how to experience. the internet and video games mostly. in this recent one i wasnt living at my parents house tho(as i usually imagine it) i had a biiiiig rich house with a bunch of stuff. like vrs and all my tech(also in order to keep your money from the future you need to store in it in something tradable from the past, like gold). i was trying to figure out how to fit in my younger self staying with me along with the divorce agreements(i figured i'd probably want to live there full-time by the time i turned 15, or after grade 8, and move too a new school on the island). oh yea, i lived on the island(vancouver island). i get there when my younger self is 8. and im also making online friends too, and at some point fly them over to play vr and show them my house.

but anyway, i spend a lot of time daydreaming how i couldve made my younger selfs life better by parenting them. but i should probably stop focusing so much on such a short period of time.