{changes_changes+change}
Jun. 24th, 2023 10:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
etherical_angel// hiiiii ur probably wondering what tf im doing(or how im doing)
as i mentioned before, im going through some struggles with how i treat my social media usage. uhm. hmmmm. how to put this into words……..i like blogging a lot ! but as most know, im also constantly fighting the demons of Rejection Sensitivity. so even tho i probably SEEM like im comfortable with sharing stuff(as i.overshare waayyy too often)(which is the point of blogging so idk why im so hung up on it) im actually super self conscious abt it.
and i hate disappointing people or guilting them into staying even more.
so thats why i servered the connections entirely.
but…でも。。。i also still really crave to be seen.
what do i choose?????????le sigh :(
anyway,onto the life updates → first of all im in tokyo now !!!!!!! yeppp gonna try to survive here for 6 months^^b not directly in the city, im in a sharehouse in a comfy neighbourhood in adachi(tho theres the city + shops within walking distance). its currently my 4th day here, and i dont think my brain has fully registered what happen or where i am yet….still slowly recovering from a mix of jet lag+survival based dissociation. also, being a system kinda helps, i often forget how theres alters who instinctually already know how to be an adult from past memories and just. know how to help n take care of us :,) ive always been a quick learner, which ties well with being prone to making more mistakes than most lol.
tbh im kinda ok with the people reading this knowing my insta soooo if i u wanna see pics from my trip(n the rest of my life) go HERE
aside from my isolation and life choices. quastion.
what.am i doing?
as i get older, the more i realize that i’ll have to accept that my Future doesnt actually exist. everything is based on Action. having plans and morals and a clear refined vision can help, but Action is the only way to actually move forward(into the non-existent Future). my adhd makes a lot of Blockage at the roots of my brain, so its a lot harder to act out on things, even if i know what i want to do. its also a learned stress response obv, fearing failure for every little thing i do, so its better to not do them at all(with the excuse of ‘ur too tired rn’ or ‘ur not focused enough rn’ which can both be true, but not always to the same disabling degree every time). doesnt really help that a lot of my Dreams are considered difficult or impossible, but i think maybe theres some veil of illusion for how hard things actually are. there must be, right? i see terrible movies, terrible tvshows, terrible books, etc etc all get made. so why cant mine? why were they able to do so? hmmm money perhaps….even so, i want to still try. im also coming to accept that my life goals can be Selfish. normally i tell myself ‘the series(plural) i want to make are something that’ll make tons of people feel seen and happy, so thats good’ which is true, but it doesnt need to be the entire truth in order to be a valid goal. i want to make shows i would want to watch. and that most likely overlaps with a least a couple other peoples preferences too. so its ok. not everything i do needs to be with the underlying motive to help others.
じゃね for now, thx for reading :^) 🫶
as i mentioned before, im going through some struggles with how i treat my social media usage. uhm. hmmmm. how to put this into words……..i like blogging a lot ! but as most know, im also constantly fighting the demons of Rejection Sensitivity. so even tho i probably SEEM like im comfortable with sharing stuff(as i.overshare waayyy too often)(which is the point of blogging so idk why im so hung up on it) im actually super self conscious abt it.
and i hate disappointing people or guilting them into staying even more.
so thats why i servered the connections entirely.
but…でも。。。i also still really crave to be seen.
what do i choose?????????le sigh :(
anyway,onto the life updates → first of all im in tokyo now !!!!!!! yeppp gonna try to survive here for 6 months^^b not directly in the city, im in a sharehouse in a comfy neighbourhood in adachi(tho theres the city + shops within walking distance). its currently my 4th day here, and i dont think my brain has fully registered what happen or where i am yet….still slowly recovering from a mix of jet lag+survival based dissociation. also, being a system kinda helps, i often forget how theres alters who instinctually already know how to be an adult from past memories and just. know how to help n take care of us :,) ive always been a quick learner, which ties well with being prone to making more mistakes than most lol.
tbh im kinda ok with the people reading this knowing my insta soooo if i u wanna see pics from my trip(n the rest of my life) go HERE
aside from my isolation and life choices. quastion.
what.am i doing?
as i get older, the more i realize that i’ll have to accept that my Future doesnt actually exist. everything is based on Action. having plans and morals and a clear refined vision can help, but Action is the only way to actually move forward(into the non-existent Future). my adhd makes a lot of Blockage at the roots of my brain, so its a lot harder to act out on things, even if i know what i want to do. its also a learned stress response obv, fearing failure for every little thing i do, so its better to not do them at all(with the excuse of ‘ur too tired rn’ or ‘ur not focused enough rn’ which can both be true, but not always to the same disabling degree every time). doesnt really help that a lot of my Dreams are considered difficult or impossible, but i think maybe theres some veil of illusion for how hard things actually are. there must be, right? i see terrible movies, terrible tvshows, terrible books, etc etc all get made. so why cant mine? why were they able to do so? hmmm money perhaps….even so, i want to still try. im also coming to accept that my life goals can be Selfish. normally i tell myself ‘the series(plural) i want to make are something that’ll make tons of people feel seen and happy, so thats good’ which is true, but it doesnt need to be the entire truth in order to be a valid goal. i want to make shows i would want to watch. and that most likely overlaps with a least a couple other peoples preferences too. so its ok. not everything i do needs to be with the underlying motive to help others.
じゃね for now, thx for reading :^) 🫶
