etherical_angel | {having issues in the eyes of the public}

~~tw: talk of suicide and delusions and christianity~~

while hanging out with friends, just before i left, one of them pointed out my cross choker, asking why i wore it. so i told them. they already know about my spiritual/religious based delusions, but for some reason(perhaps due to my other friend talking about god based things earlier) i brought up my recent delusions about being told i was like a second coming of christ. and also a funny little moment that happened recently where i saw someone with a sign that said "Christ is God" and thought 'dont christians believe in christ just being some guy though? isnt god God?' but then later that night realized it was talking about me becoming the new god(i use 'god' and 'second coming of christ' in like. metaphorical ways. or something. im not christian, but its similar concepts). afterwards, i felt a twinge of embarrassment that i let myself be so open about shit like that, even if theyre my friends.

today, i saw a customer for the second time. the first time we met, he mentioned his belief in becoming an Angelic Superhero after he dies and rid the world of sin and sadness(it was also pretty clear that he was autistic as well). after he left, he said he wouldnt be returning again, and i worried that meant he was going to kill himself. so thankfully, today proved he was ok. anyway, i got the chance to talk to him a bit more about it, and seeing how devoted to christianity he was made me feel...kinda bad. that he got roped into this stuff(autistic gullibility)(or maybe he got into it on his own, who knows).

he mentioned that he saw someone committed suicide near metrotown station on his way over, and that person was probably 'possessed by a demon and forced to so by satan'. meanwhile, im thinking about how on my own way here(also at metrotown station) i was missing the suicidal guy i saw on one of the buildings awhile ago. but like. not in a sympathetic way. in like a I'm Bored And Wanna Watch You Again kinda way(and couldve been a bit of I Relate To You And Feel Connected In Your Public Choice Of Actions way).

i was also daydreaming about someday telling people about that story(i was originally going to when it happened, but decided on posting to my priv instead), so here it finally is;

november 30th, 2022
its cold and freezing and my bus is taking foreverrrr. so. i was daydreaming about talking to my future hypothetical suicidal friends about wanting to kill myself in japan. jumping off a building surrounded by an environment so beautiful it restores your faith in the world before you die. and itd be cool bc they have the highest suicide rate in the world. but anyway, i was talking about how a lot of buildings in japan have roof access and we dont. so irl i looked up at the buildings around me and

huh. guess it is a thing here....i know i would tell my friends not to do it, but a stranger while im waiting 20 minutes in the cold for a bus? do a swan dive dude!!!(reason i cant post this to main LOLL)

they looked like they were arguing with either themself or god, throwing their arms out as they talked. theyd look over the edge, pace around, take another peak, pace some more, rub their face with their hands. they looked so big compared to an already big building. meanwhile i was internally cheering them on, yelling in my mind to Do It Do It Do It Come On(other reason)(no one can know i think this way)(and yet im posting this now here lmao).

eventually it looked they leaned down and disappeared, but it was in the direction the other side so i dont know if they jumped. plus i didnt hear any screaming or sirens. the thing about suicidal people surviving is that it makes me worried about them. but if youre dead, theres nothing left to be worried about. i would be happy if this person jumped. its conquering a huge fear.

i really dont know what god is trying to tell me. i never do. no matter how hard i try, theres always a language barrier between us. kill myself or be savior for my own people. cant i have both? will killing myself unlock me the ability to truly help? was i really made to do this in an ascended form instead? god why cant you just give me a straight answer? how am i supposed to do my mission when i dont know what it is? can you even feel love?

why cant you at least just tell me who you are?

(having a suicidal life view makes me sound like a horrible person i knowww. it was literally a shadowy figure with no visible details!!!!!! ive also learned a lot more about my delusional version of 'god' and how this all works since writing that post, but im not yet ready to explain it here. as ive been saying. yet im posting this shit OPENLY here anyway whatever im an attention seeking hypocrite.)

later, my boss talked to me about him, saying that he's pretty disconnected from his family(mother and brother, who also apparently shop there) and kept repeating that he 'has a lot of issues'. i felt guilty for having the privilege to experience similar things as him and be able to keep it hidden(at least somewhat, my english sounds like a second language fairly often lately tbh).

on my way home, i was remembering how on my walks back from therapy at age 14(first peak delusional moment), i'd pass by a christian highschool and daydream about going there, and how it'd be a powerplay for someone who has their own personal delusions to go to a school where they force a specific one(and also being trans + gay). theres an another timeline that exists where i went there, instead of the alternative school i ended up moving to.....

ANYWAY back to the original point of this;;;

from the interaction with my friends + the interaction with the autistic delusional customer have lead to me becoming more self conscious about my disorders.

even tho i see myself as 'better' due to being more aware of it, its the fact that i have anything at all makes me still no different in the eyes of the public than people who have it worse(in the way that others view me i mean, theyll still see me as someone autistic and delusional even if my beliefs were 50/50 or even 30/80 or whatever. even though i dont believe in it all the time, having beliefs at all will still cause certain views of me).

im kinda envious of the people who dont believe in this shit who still somehow manage to make up fictional stories surrounding a lot of similar topics. all of my stories involve subplots of my delusions(a thing i decided to do at age 12 in place of being able to talk about them), and to the outside viewer they'll just seem like cool plot lines...its embarrassing having a brain that experiences life akin to a fucking fantasy novel.