{acceptance for the people in my head}
Mar. 1st, 2023 10:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
etherical_angelafter procrastinating for like 2 years, i finally got around to having my first mushroom trip(02/25/2023).
and i came out exactly the same as i was before.
to be fair, it was a standard beginners dose. well, a little bit more than a beginners actually, since i ended up caving and taking another edible. i wanted to have more than just a flashy light show. i wanted to feel something. wanted to be something different. needed to know some kind of new thing about myself.
here's what(in my experience) mushrooms do to the brain; it bypasses all the blockages it puts up to keep (most) of the things we repress about yourself. our wants, our views, things about yourself that you technically know but dont want to acknowledge. things that you cant ever seem to figure out are true or not. it opens up everything to be available in pure honesty.
i had to go through some layers to get there.
see, my DID works like a spectrum. a spectrum of different trees, all laid out in order of similarity. i had to work through my baseline self-hating ones first, the ones dont have identities because they associate that with pain. this wasn't new to me, as ive been these all these alters sober, though it was frustrating as i felt so much guilt that i couldn't just let myself simply exist. simply enjoy the fucking light show. cant believe you can fuck up being HIGH incorrectly, whats wrong with you? why cant you just see yourself in first person for once in your life?
but then, i started feeling another alter push on me. not physically, internally, they were there now, and being forced to move into "my" place. it was someone from the other side of the spectrum, someone who knew their identity.
and as soon as they took over, my visions changed.
the lesbian flag had completely infected the previous hippie rainbow psychedelic effect. it was flowing through every shape, overlaying my vision, it was everywhere. i had moved over to the previously dubbed 'fem' subsystem, except i was now there full time without the other 'masc' sides influence.
i dont remember who wrote these messages, but i know what sub categories they belonged to.
another quote;
and i came out exactly the same as i was before.
to be fair, it was a standard beginners dose. well, a little bit more than a beginners actually, since i ended up caving and taking another edible. i wanted to have more than just a flashy light show. i wanted to feel something. wanted to be something different. needed to know some kind of new thing about myself.
here's what(in my experience) mushrooms do to the brain; it bypasses all the blockages it puts up to keep (most) of the things we repress about yourself. our wants, our views, things about yourself that you technically know but dont want to acknowledge. things that you cant ever seem to figure out are true or not. it opens up everything to be available in pure honesty.
i had to go through some layers to get there.
see, my DID works like a spectrum. a spectrum of different trees, all laid out in order of similarity. i had to work through my baseline self-hating ones first, the ones dont have identities because they associate that with pain. this wasn't new to me, as ive been these all these alters sober, though it was frustrating as i felt so much guilt that i couldn't just let myself simply exist. simply enjoy the fucking light show. cant believe you can fuck up being HIGH incorrectly, whats wrong with you? why cant you just see yourself in first person for once in your life?
but then, i started feeling another alter push on me. not physically, internally, they were there now, and being forced to move into "my" place. it was someone from the other side of the spectrum, someone who knew their identity.
and as soon as they took over, my visions changed.
the lesbian flag had completely infected the previous hippie rainbow psychedelic effect. it was flowing through every shape, overlaying my vision, it was everywhere. i had moved over to the previously dubbed 'fem' subsystem, except i was now there full time without the other 'masc' sides influence.
quote from my brief live txting to my friends;
"the lesbian flag has been going for like 5 minutes. i should probably take the hint. its trans and lesbiab flag just goingggggg some bi flag in there too. also i have DID too, did yall know that?
WHATEVER ALTERS HAVE RIGHTS!!!!! ME ALTER RIGHT NOW!!!!! bi lesbian nonbinary aroace. i felt different earlier so i know DID exists, thats just who i am rn. goooo lesbians literally lesbian flag ALL OVER MY VISION EVERYWHERE its kinda funny lol
WHATEVER ALTERS HAVE RIGHTS!!!!! ME ALTER RIGHT NOW!!!!! bi lesbian nonbinary aroace. i felt different earlier so i know DID exists, thats just who i am rn. goooo lesbians literally lesbian flag ALL OVER MY VISION EVERYWHERE its kinda funny lol
none of us have NAMES YWT STILLL i think im supposed to be shutting up and accepting that its ok
dont ever trip while having multiple personality disorder i literally switched multiple times while writing these"
another quote;
"ok but since i have access to this switching in such a quick way, i can really see that both 'subsystems' really dont believe the other is real. and i would still believe that if not journalling about it during this trip a couple minutes ago. its just a confirmation of something ive seen go back and forth for the past 3 or so years? both sides cant talk. the dyke vs fag sides. but somehow theyre both real. god DID is so fucking weird.
usually it takes months to flow back and forth for context. so its weird seeing 'me' a couple minutes ago write about not thinking the person i am CURRENTLY FEELING AS could ever exist. fag subsystem mindset.
oh god im literally lgbt discourse as a person
its so weird we all have different memories the way we view the world i know this sounds not true as an observer(even alters dont think its true) but it is
theres some alters who really just dont know who they are and thats ok!! THAT is who u are. the last alter signed off in a private tumblr post but in signing off here for others to see bc im ok with it. good luck next alter, its ok (:"
as we got used to it, the more loving the alters felt towards eachother.
final live txt quote before i fucked off to my own discord sever + posting to tumblr;
final live txt quote before i fucked off to my own discord sever + posting to tumblr;
"thats cool. the spectrum goes feom cat -> bunny -> back to cat again. but different.
new person here again wow
ok so from what i see it, the male 'fag' side as that alter or whatever other alter put it is actually just the side of alters that feel the closest to the body. they view thsemlf in a second person, unable to see themself as themself. the 'narrator' is masculine and ig thats where the whole original trans thing came from. but the viewing of the self in 2nd person came as early on as being 8 years old. its so strange remembering and knowing that there exists a person who feels this way(literally at the beginning of the trip).
that makes sense. thats when we first became a furry. i feel like that now. have we really been around that long?"
thats around the time we realized that we probably viewed our whole life with a false perspective. i mean, i know its not entirely accurate, as we naturally view our past selves through the lens of bits of out of context memories and the little amounts of journaling/auto-bio comics we did. we can only be remembered as a reflection of our interests and influences at the time, as we didnt figure out how to properly journal till around age....18? 19? around then. so a lot of actual thoughts and perspectives and experiences we had are lost to time. which makes it easy to hate past hosts, as we naturally view them in a caricature like way.
but many of my younger past selves(before the 'masc' aka 'fag' side was created) existed in this subsystem. and with the help of the inner therapist alter, everyone got a turn to reflect on themselves. to sit there and accept themselves. to try to just exist without the need to push themself away out of discomfort or hatred. to just be alive and enjoy the light show(which also included other flags like trans, bi, demigirl, demigender, pangender, moon lesbian, sun lesbian, but with and overlaying lesbian flag overtop of them all)
and when i became sober again, i went back to the way i was before. a mix of everyone, fags and dykes. except the fags hate the dykes and the dykes just want to be themselves. and no one wants to accept the others are real.
where am i going with all of this?
ok.....so it was to teach me to do this kind of thing while sober. if an alter fronts that is too close to a self i used to be(dyke side = 10 - 13, fag side = 14 - 16) instead of everyone ganging up on hating them, i try to focus on who it is i actually am in the moment. that im a person, not a caricature. who am i? what do i like looking like? what kinds of things do i like? its ok if i act or think in a certain way, thats not who i am entirely. im more than just a reflection of others. im not other people, i am my own person.
a lot of my self hate comes from hatred of certain types of people. if not all people. like, if i take on any of the similarities to basically anyone, my brain hates me for it. feeling or existing in the same way as another person makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but fictional people, for some unknown reason, is ok. i can relate to fictional peoples traits, because theyre not real(even if the traits are totally real because they come from somewhere. obviously.)(but also i get envy for the things i dont have or look like? agony.)
so far its been hard trying to react to myself in this new more positive manner. im starting to even theorize that the fag side took over as much as it did in the first place was due to it being created out of hatred of the person i was at the time. i also see my teen years in a different way. ages 14 - 17 is the same amount of time as 18 - 21(now). yet, the first one felt like an eternity, since i was so many different people through that length of time. the new dyke side has existed for as long as the original fag side did now, based on the same origin of things ive come to internalize, but in an entirely opposite kind of way(brain has labeled femininity as good and masculinity bad #mensogyny #srry).
my brain created alters because of me not accepting the things that i am, so that someone else could be them instead. because it would be out of 'character' for me to be those things....so many of the fem dyke side loves being who they are. i really hope i feel the same way as they do someday(i = all of the alters who hate themselves because of feeling close to past hosts).
but many of my younger past selves(before the 'masc' aka 'fag' side was created) existed in this subsystem. and with the help of the inner therapist alter, everyone got a turn to reflect on themselves. to sit there and accept themselves. to try to just exist without the need to push themself away out of discomfort or hatred. to just be alive and enjoy the light show(which also included other flags like trans, bi, demigirl, demigender, pangender, moon lesbian, sun lesbian, but with and overlaying lesbian flag overtop of them all)
and when i became sober again, i went back to the way i was before. a mix of everyone, fags and dykes. except the fags hate the dykes and the dykes just want to be themselves. and no one wants to accept the others are real.
where am i going with all of this?
ok.....so it was to teach me to do this kind of thing while sober. if an alter fronts that is too close to a self i used to be(dyke side = 10 - 13, fag side = 14 - 16) instead of everyone ganging up on hating them, i try to focus on who it is i actually am in the moment. that im a person, not a caricature. who am i? what do i like looking like? what kinds of things do i like? its ok if i act or think in a certain way, thats not who i am entirely. im more than just a reflection of others. im not other people, i am my own person.
a lot of my self hate comes from hatred of certain types of people. if not all people. like, if i take on any of the similarities to basically anyone, my brain hates me for it. feeling or existing in the same way as another person makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but fictional people, for some unknown reason, is ok. i can relate to fictional peoples traits, because theyre not real(even if the traits are totally real because they come from somewhere. obviously.)(but also i get envy for the things i dont have or look like? agony.)
so far its been hard trying to react to myself in this new more positive manner. im starting to even theorize that the fag side took over as much as it did in the first place was due to it being created out of hatred of the person i was at the time. i also see my teen years in a different way. ages 14 - 17 is the same amount of time as 18 - 21(now). yet, the first one felt like an eternity, since i was so many different people through that length of time. the new dyke side has existed for as long as the original fag side did now, based on the same origin of things ive come to internalize, but in an entirely opposite kind of way(brain has labeled femininity as good and masculinity bad #mensogyny #srry).
my brain created alters because of me not accepting the things that i am, so that someone else could be them instead. because it would be out of 'character' for me to be those things....so many of the fem dyke side loves being who they are. i really hope i feel the same way as they do someday(i = all of the alters who hate themselves because of feeling close to past hosts).
vvvvv(drawings done after the trip of the dyke side furry alters)vvvvv
