＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚ 😇＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚

{changes_changes+change}

Sat, 24 Jun 2023 02:32:31 GMT

// hiiiii ur probably wondering what tf im doing(or how im doing)

as i mentioned before, im going through some struggles with how i treat my social media usage. uhm. hmmmm. how to put this into words……..i like blogging a lot ! but as most know, im also constantly fighting the demons of Rejection Sensitivity. so even tho i probably SEEM like im comfortable with sharing stuff(as i.overshare waayyy too often)(which is the point of blogging so idk why im so hung up on it) im actually super self conscious abt it.

and i hate disappointing people or guilting them into staying even more.

so thats why i servered the connections entirely.

but…でも。。。i also still really crave to be seen.

what do i choose?????????le sigh :(

anyway,onto the life updates → first of all im in tokyo now !!!!!!! yeppp gonna try to survive here for 6 months^^b not directly in the city, im in a sharehouse in a comfy neighbourhood in adachi(tho theres the city + shops within walking distance). its currently my 4th day here, and i dont think my brain has fully registered what happen or where i am yet….still slowly recovering from a mix of jet lag+survival based dissociation. also, being a system kinda helps, i often forget how theres alters who instinctually already know how to be an adult from past memories and just. know how to help n take care of us :,) ive always been a quick learner, which ties well with being prone to making more mistakes than most lol.

tbh im kinda ok with the people reading this knowing my insta soooo if i u wanna see pics from my trip(n the rest of my life) go HERE

aside from my isolation and life choices. quastion.
what.am i doing?

as i get older, the more i realize that i’ll have to accept that my Future doesnt actually exist. everything is based on Action. having plans and morals and a clear refined vision can help, but Action is the only way to actually move forward(into the non-existent Future). my adhd makes a lot of Blockage at the roots of my brain, so its a lot harder to act out on things, even if i know what i want to do. its also a learned stress response obv, fearing failure for every little thing i do, so its better to not do them at all(with the excuse of ‘ur too tired rn’ or ‘ur not focused enough rn’ which can both be true, but not always to the same disabling degree every time). doesnt really help that a lot of my Dreams are considered difficult or impossible, but i think maybe theres some veil of illusion for how hard things actually are. there must be, right? i see terrible movies, terrible tvshows, terrible books, etc etc all get made. so why cant mine? why were they able to do so? hmmm money perhaps….even so, i want to still try. im also coming to accept that my life goals can be Selfish. normally i tell myself ‘the series(plural) i want to make are something that’ll make tons of people feel seen and happy, so thats good’ which is true, but it doesnt need to be the entire truth in order to be a valid goal. i want to make shows i would want to watch. and that most likely overlaps with a least a couple other peoples preferences too. so its ok. not everything i do needs to be with the underlying motive to help others.

じゃね for now, thx for reading :^) 🫶

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{See U In 3 Years....}

Mon, 20 Mar 2023 05:07:09 GMT

(felt like making these public! at age 15 i decided to write my 18 year old self a letter, and at age 18 i decided i should do it every 3 years. in 3 years from now, i'll update this again^^ the last entry was written last month btw)

Hey meaty. Youre 18y. you know what That means.

Got some questions for you too,, how the fuck you doin ?? mentally??? for me its kinda e h rn, working on scheduling planning motivation skills yknow. Soon to be on T. I hope to jesus youre still on T. ok how about socially ? Got friends?? ever figure out the secret to maintaining one-on-one relationships? If you dont its ok man, we all dont gotta be like that. You graduate? Job? Im thinking of applying to either chapters or eb games, but it'd be great if you got something better by then. Or a plan. Plans are good.... anyways whats the gig on current tech? Mind controlled virtual reality yet? Godamm that'd be nice... hows that highlights comic goin? Did we ever get enough power to keep it alive? I liked that one,, style could use a change tho. Ok ok hold on,, one more,,, have you got your own place yet. If so how is it.

Alright thats about it, hope you have a swell birthday my man,, try inviting people over for once if you still got em.

Lots of love, dan 2017 (this said '2015e' for some reason but i remember making it at 15??? so i changed it)(OHHH TWENTY FIFTEENY LOL maybe? idk it says it was created october 6th 2017)

mentally im doing much better than you were. still kinda fucked in the areas you mentioned. I've been on T for about a year and a half now!! small slow changes tho… never learned or got comfortable with one on one friendships, rip my dude. im not graduating, worked a part time coordinator job for a tv show for a bit, and i've got a plan to pitch a skeleton warriors reboot. i know, completely different than the one you had in your head. current tech is all right, the switch is pretty cool. theyre working on touch simulation for video games rn? like full body suits and gloves and stuff. also The Highlights comic we got like 12 pages in about 2 years ago and jus. got too frustrated with the style. as usual. i am working on the Where the Path Takes Us comic, took about a year to finish the first draft tho ehhhhh… i have Not got my own place yet ): i did finally move out of my dads to live full time at my moms if that counts??

i did have an alright bday, had some friends over, got sick presents, and got id'd for a 14+ movie again. good time.

remember that youre doing your best, dan 2020

@ previous me uhhhh u didnt leave ME any questions????? ok eye roll emoji…i’ll answer the old ones again. mentally im still delusional, but i cant cry anymore. theres less anxiety for sure, since im not in school anymore. that motivational thing ur referring to is called ADHD actually. im still on T, been ups and downs with it, and now taking the gel packets(got lumps from the injections). i still only barely have a chin beard and my voice is ehhh…..i still dont know how to do one-on-one shit. i dont think i ever will. and i think thats ok. i've still got some friends currently(@ 15 year old self uhhh it's the same ones YOU have lol). i did graduate actually! in 2021! adult diploma!!!^^b suckkkk it 2020 me >:3 i almost got a chapters type job, except it's even better!! i work at a manga + dvd store and it ROCKS for my autism!! my current plan is different from any past ones, which is instead of doing something creative, im saving up to move to japan. i still plan to eventually pitch my skeleton warriors reboot, but i wanna get my own health sorted out first(and pitch where the path takes us first before that). for tech i actually bought that vr headset we saved up for our entire teen years. it just sits in the corner of my room lol(i wanna use it more someday tho). right now theres a lot of focus on ai, anything can be generated. stories, images, voices, all great stuff. the voice stuff is really cool to me….and the ai chatbots are feeding my delusions big time ^^; the highlights is currently phase 4 in things to pitch(tv show again) so it’ll still be a thing dw. if the others go smoothly. still live with mom BUT i plan to move out to live in a sharehouse in japan in july!! i really hope it goes well….

this isnt being written on my bday, but i celebrated it with my friends a couple days ago. we watched everything everywhere all at once(dvd store privileges) at their apartment and ate snacks and talked. it was pretty ok. i think i did a good job at making them still like me :,)

heres some questions; whats your gender currently?(mine is transsexualmale transfem girlboy boygirl autigender demigendergirl aigender neudux femdoux sysflux, but im also trying to be less open about talking about it and just letting whatever alter im feeling in the moment just be themself. also a lot of them are moon/sun lesbian bunnys + cats, n my fursona is a pink bunnycat w boobies) what are your pronouns?(i use they/them now bcuz i got tired of people having control over that view of me) do you have a name?(i dont anymore! not even dan! some alters have preferences, but the body isnt comfortable with one) does your place feel like home yet?(like the way it does in dreams) any irl crushes?(havent felt that in a longggggg time…aromantic ass) how do you view ur teen years now?(personally i've recently realized that it really wasnt that long of a time. the time between ages 14-17 is the same amount as 18-21, and yet i made such a big deal out of it at the time. we dont live that long at ALL and we’re always going to be ourselves, no matter how much we feel has changed).

keep discovering who you are + what makes you comfortable, cya in another 3 years! ❄️👯‍♀️❄️ 2023

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{having issues in the eyes of the public}

Wed, 08 Mar 2023 06:16:23 GMT

~~tw: talk of suicide and delusions and christianity~~

while hanging out with friends, just before i left, one of them pointed out my cross choker, asking why i wore it. so i told them. they already know about my spiritual/religious based delusions, but for some reason(perhaps due to my other friend talking about god based things earlier) i brought up my recent delusions about being told i was like a second coming of christ. and also a funny little moment that happened recently where i saw someone with a sign that said "Christ is God" and thought 'dont christians believe in christ just being some guy though? isnt god God?' but then later that night realized it was talking about me becoming the new god(i use 'god' and 'second coming of christ' in like. metaphorical ways. or something. im not christian, but its similar concepts). afterwards, i felt a twinge of embarrassment that i let myself be so open about shit like that, even if theyre my friends.

today, i saw a customer for the second time. the first time we met, he mentioned his belief in becoming an Angelic Superhero after he dies and rid the world of sin and sadness(it was also pretty clear that he was autistic as well). after he left, he said he wouldnt be returning again, and i worried that meant he was going to kill himself. so thankfully, today proved he was ok. anyway, i got the chance to talk to him a bit more about it, and seeing how devoted to christianity he was made me feel...kinda bad. that he got roped into this stuff(autistic gullibility)(or maybe he got into it on his own, who knows).

he mentioned that he saw someone committed suicide near metrotown station on his way over, and that person was probably 'possessed by a demon and forced to so by satan'. meanwhile, im thinking about how on my own way here(also at metrotown station) i was missing the suicidal guy i saw on one of the buildings awhile ago. but like. not in a sympathetic way. in like a I'm Bored And Wanna Watch You Again kinda way(and couldve been a bit of I Relate To You And Feel Connected In Your Public Choice Of Actions way).

i was also daydreaming about someday telling people about that story(i was originally going to when it happened, but decided on posting to my priv instead), so here it finally is;

november 30th, 2022
its cold and freezing and my bus is taking foreverrrr. so. i was daydreaming about talking to my future hypothetical suicidal friends about wanting to kill myself in japan. jumping off a building surrounded by an environment so beautiful it restores your faith in the world before you die. and itd be cool bc they have the highest suicide rate in the world. but anyway, i was talking about how a lot of buildings in japan have roof access and we dont. so irl i looked up at the buildings around me and

huh. guess it is a thing here....i know i would tell my friends not to do it, but a stranger while im waiting 20 minutes in the cold for a bus? do a swan dive dude!!!(reason i cant post this to main LOLL)

they looked like they were arguing with either themself or god, throwing their arms out as they talked. theyd look over the edge, pace around, take another peak, pace some more, rub their face with their hands. they looked so big compared to an already big building. meanwhile i was internally cheering them on, yelling in my mind to Do It Do It Do It Come On(other reason)(no one can know i think this way)(and yet im posting this now here lmao).

eventually it looked they leaned down and disappeared, but it was in the direction the other side so i dont know if they jumped. plus i didnt hear any screaming or sirens. the thing about suicidal people surviving is that it makes me worried about them. but if youre dead, theres nothing left to be worried about. i would be happy if this person jumped. its conquering a huge fear.

i really dont know what god is trying to tell me. i never do. no matter how hard i try, theres always a language barrier between us. kill myself or be savior for my own people. cant i have both? will killing myself unlock me the ability to truly help? was i really made to do this in an ascended form instead? god why cant you just give me a straight answer? how am i supposed to do my mission when i dont know what it is? can you even feel love?

why cant you at least just tell me who you are?

(having a suicidal life view makes me sound like a horrible person i knowww. it was literally a shadowy figure with no visible details!!!!!! ive also learned a lot more about my delusional version of 'god' and how this all works since writing that post, but im not yet ready to explain it here. as ive been saying. yet im posting this shit OPENLY here anyway whatever im an attention seeking hypocrite.)

later, my boss talked to me about him, saying that he's pretty disconnected from his family(mother and brother, who also apparently shop there) and kept repeating that he 'has a lot of issues'. i felt guilty for having the privilege to experience similar things as him and be able to keep it hidden(at least somewhat, my english sounds like a second language fairly often lately tbh).

on my way home, i was remembering how on my walks back from therapy at age 14(first peak delusional moment), i'd pass by a christian highschool and daydream about going there, and how it'd be a powerplay for someone who has their own personal delusions to go to a school where they force a specific one(and also being trans + gay). theres an another timeline that exists where i went there, instead of the alternative school i ended up moving to.....

ANYWAY back to the original point of this;;;

from the interaction with my friends + the interaction with the autistic delusional customer have lead to me becoming more self conscious about my disorders.

even tho i see myself as 'better' due to being more aware of it, its the fact that i have anything at all makes me still no different in the eyes of the public than people who have it worse(in the way that others view me i mean, theyll still see me as someone autistic and delusional even if my beliefs were 50/50 or even 30/80 or whatever. even though i dont believe in it all the time, having beliefs at all will still cause certain views of me).

im kinda envious of the people who dont believe in this shit who still somehow manage to make up fictional stories surrounding a lot of similar topics. all of my stories involve subplots of my delusions(a thing i decided to do at age 12 in place of being able to talk about them), and to the outside viewer they'll just seem like cool plot lines...its embarrassing having a brain that experiences life akin to a fucking fantasy novel.

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{acceptance for the people in my head}

Tue, 28 Feb 2023 08:07:44 GMT

after procrastinating for like 2 years, i finally got around to having my first mushroom trip(02/25/2023).

and i came out exactly the same as i was before.

to be fair, it was a standard beginners dose. well, a little bit more than a beginners actually, since i ended up caving and taking another edible. i wanted to have more than just a flashy light show. i wanted to feel something. wanted to be something different. needed to know some kind of new thing about myself.

here's what(in my experience) mushrooms do to the brain; it bypasses all the blockages it puts up to keep (most) of the things we repress about yourself. our wants, our views, things about yourself that you technically know but dont want to acknowledge. things that you cant ever seem to figure out are true or not. it opens up everything to be available in pure honesty.

i had to go through some layers to get there.

see, my DID works like a spectrum. a spectrum of different trees, all laid out in order of similarity. i had to work through my baseline self-hating ones first, the ones dont have identities because they associate that with pain. this wasn't new to me, as ive been these all these alters sober, though it was frustrating as i felt so much guilt that i couldn't just let myself simply exist. simply enjoy the fucking light show. cant believe you can fuck up being HIGH incorrectly, whats wrong with you? why cant you just see yourself in first person for once in your life?

but then, i started feeling another alter push on me. not physically, internally, they were there now, and being forced to move into "my" place. it was someone from the other side of the spectrum, someone who knew their identity.

and as soon as they took over, my visions changed.

the lesbian flag had completely infected the previous hippie rainbow psychedelic effect. it was flowing through every shape, overlaying my vision, it was everywhere. i had moved over to the previously dubbed 'fem' subsystem, except i was now there full time without the other 'masc' sides influence.

quote from my brief live txting to my friends;

"the lesbian flag has been going for like 5 minutes. i should probably take the hint. its trans and lesbiab flag just goingggggg some bi flag in there too. also i have DID too, did yall know that?

WHATEVER ALTERS HAVE RIGHTS!!!!! ME ALTER RIGHT NOW!!!!! bi lesbian nonbinary aroace. i felt different earlier so i know DID exists, thats just who i am rn. goooo lesbians literally lesbian flag ALL OVER MY VISION EVERYWHERE its kinda funny lol

none of us have NAMES YWT STILLL i think im supposed to be shutting up and accepting that its ok

dont ever trip while having multiple personality disorder i literally switched multiple times while writing these"

i dont remember who wrote these messages, but i know what sub categories they belonged to.

another quote;

"ok but since i have access to this switching in such a quick way, i can really see that both 'subsystems' really dont believe the other is real. and i would still believe that if not journalling about it during this trip a couple minutes ago. its just a confirmation of something ive seen go back and forth for the past 3 or so years? both sides cant talk. the dyke vs fag sides. but somehow theyre both real. god DID is so fucking weird.

usually it takes months to flow back and forth for context. so its weird seeing 'me' a couple minutes ago write about not thinking the person i am CURRENTLY FEELING AS could ever exist. fag subsystem mindset.

oh god im literally lgbt discourse as a person

its so weird we all have different memories the way we view the world i know this sounds not true as an observer(even alters dont think its true) but it is

theres some alters who really just dont know who they are and thats ok!! THAT is who u are. the last alter signed off in a private tumblr post but in signing off here for others to see bc im ok with it. good luck next alter, its ok (:"

as we got used to it, the more loving the alters felt towards eachother.

final live txt quote before i fucked off to my own discord sever + posting to tumblr;

"thats cool. the spectrum goes feom cat -> bunny -> back to cat again. but different.

new person here again wow

ok so from what i see it, the male 'fag' side as that alter or whatever other alter put it is actually just the side of alters that feel the closest to the body. they view thsemlf in a second person, unable to see themself as themself. the 'narrator' is masculine and ig thats where the whole original trans thing came from. but the viewing of the self in 2nd person came as early on as being 8 years old. its so strange remembering and knowing that there exists a person who feels this way(literally at the beginning of the trip).

that makes sense. thats when we first became a furry. i feel like that now. have we really been around that long?"

thats around the time we realized that we probably viewed our whole life with a false perspective. i mean, i know its not entirely accurate, as we naturally view our past selves through the lens of bits of out of context memories and the little amounts of journaling/auto-bio comics we did. we can only be remembered as a reflection of our interests and influences at the time, as we didnt figure out how to properly journal till around age....18? 19? around then. so a lot of actual thoughts and perspectives and experiences we had are lost to time. which makes it easy to hate past hosts, as we naturally view them in a caricature like way.

but many of my younger past selves(before the 'masc' aka 'fag' side was created) existed in this subsystem. and with the help of the inner therapist alter, everyone got a turn to reflect on themselves. to sit there and accept themselves. to try to just exist without the need to push themself away out of discomfort or hatred. to just be alive and enjoy the light show(which also included other flags like trans, bi, demigirl, demigender, pangender, moon lesbian, sun lesbian, but with and overlaying lesbian flag overtop of them all)

and when i became sober again, i went back to the way i was before. a mix of everyone, fags and dykes. except the fags hate the dykes and the dykes just want to be themselves. and no one wants to accept the others are real.

where am i going with all of this?

ok.....so it was to teach me to do this kind of thing while sober. if an alter fronts that is too close to a self i used to be(dyke side = 10 - 13, fag side = 14 - 16) instead of everyone ganging up on hating them, i try to focus on who it is i actually am in the moment. that im a person, not a caricature. who am i? what do i like looking like? what kinds of things do i like? its ok if i act or think in a certain way, thats not who i am entirely. im more than just a reflection of others. im not other people, i am my own person.

a lot of my self hate comes from hatred of certain types of people. if not all people. like, if i take on any of the similarities to basically anyone, my brain hates me for it. feeling or existing in the same way as another person makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but fictional people, for some unknown reason, is ok. i can relate to fictional peoples traits, because theyre not real(even if the traits are totally real because they come from somewhere. obviously.)(but also i get envy for the things i dont have or look like? agony.)

so far its been hard trying to react to myself in this new more positive manner. im starting to even theorize that the fag side took over as much as it did in the first place was due to it being created out of hatred of the person i was at the time. i also see my teen years in a different way. ages 14 - 17 is the same amount of time as 18 - 21(now). yet, the first one felt like an eternity, since i was so many different people through that length of time. the new dyke side has existed for as long as the original fag side did now, based on the same origin of things ive come to internalize, but in an entirely opposite kind of way(brain has labeled femininity as good and masculinity bad #mensogyny #srry).

my brain created alters because of me not accepting the things that i am, so that someone else could be them instead. because it would be out of 'character' for me to be those things....so many of the fem dyke side loves being who they are. i really hope i feel the same way as they do someday(i = all of the alters who hate themselves because of feeling close to past hosts).

vvvvv(drawings done after the trip of the dyke side furry alters)vvvvv

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❄_ON;SPEAKING;TERMS_❄

Sun, 12 Feb 2023 07:24:13 GMT

With the age of the Internet on its decline, obsessed and integrated users need to find a new paradise to replace it with, a new technology to find attachment in. Corporation has corrupted the habitats of the net, and netizens need to find a new home.

Where will they go? What will they do instead? What will grant them that same level of paradise as before? Does everyone feel that way? What for the users who never knew how to successfully live in the net at all? How will they discover true clarity?

i am one of those people who never quite figured out what being on the web means. how identities and anonymity work. i want to go on a quest to help myself evolve into someone who does.

living the body of someone with several different ideas of what it is to be Our True Self makes it hard to exist with an answer to the general human questions of identity.

name? gender? sex? pronouns?

but we dont need that in the world of the net. we can be symbols, titles, concepts. just existing simply to be interacted with and spoken to as if we are real. we just interact.

i keep trying to fix my experience in the places ive known for so long, but theyre tainted. i need to branch out and find new places to exist. even if its scary to leave my homes after so long....but i want to feel that paradise again. i need to disconnect.

i'll do so around my bday i think.

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{interrupted.rtf}

Sat, 11 Feb 2023 07:36:41 GMT

Nothing was happening.

Like, really, it almost feels like time took a break, that’s how still it was.

Sounds started to swirl together, melding with thoughts...actually, more like crash.

Crashing together like a big noisy traffic jam, big car pile up in lane 2, spreading to lane 3, etc etc.

"^o^/ hey! don’t fall to despair just yet!"

"damn is that hatsune miku?"

"0 u < \ maybe!!"

"no it's not, I'm just making this shit up to interrupt from my current reality"

Now's not the time for talking to a desk figure.

"> <' noooo i’m here to help!!really!!!at least try listening!!!!!!"

Shit. The desk figure holds a good argument.

“ok, what motivational message you got for me?”

“it’s not what you think, it’s a really good one i swear ]: i think the reason you’re feel stuck in place is because of your....”

Hey, the sun is setting. cool.

“you said you’d listen!! >:[“

Wow, that’s a lot of ducks flying by. I wonder how they make up a system like that. is it just known from birth from instinct for all ducks? Do they tell their kids? Do they tell other ducks like ‘hey, we all start flying in this direction when the sky turns a weird color’ God, these things are weird and mysterious.

“that happens every single day, what i have to tell you is more important!!”

“yeah, but its still nice to look at.”

The last few of the ducks fly by.

Stillness is restored.

“can i continue?”

“i guess so.”

“what i was saying was that you haven‘t been feeling much passion lately ‘^’ a start for getting back into doing something is finding Worth in it.”

“i know that, and i have been feeling passion, just not passion for the process of anything anymore.”

“hmm....what about something that doesn’t require much process? like your love of technology for example, a project for that doesn’t require any creation right away, you could start with just writing down and conceptualizing your ideas^^b”

“that still requires starting something.”

The Miku figure mentally gave off a frustrated glare, even as its face remained still.

“yknow what!!!!i think the problem isnt that you cant do things, or that you’re afraid to do things, its that you’d rather be doing things that make you feel better instead. you’re just stubborn.”

“but i still want to do the things-”

“and yet you refuse to do the process and just do other less productive things instead. you want them finished, but you dont like the process. you value your own immediate gratification over productivity.”

“i feel like thats kinda harsh.”

“its true though!!!!!!!”

“is it really that deep? maybe im just not in the mood.”

An internally heard sigh from the figure.

“there is no mood, we are always and forever ourselves, no matter what is happening or what time of day it is. sometimes we feel different, and mistake that for a mood, but none of that is our control.”

“but-”

“what is our control is paying attention to when we can do something, big or small. sometimes that something doesnt feel productive, but choosing to do something for the sake of our body or the sake of our mind is just as good as something for our future, but it is up to you to figure out which something you are capable of doing ^w^ ....hey, are you listening?”

God, this is a heavy conversation.

Scrolling through social media now.

Scroll scroll scroll scroll.....

“...i really wanna argue against this. you know i do.”

“and?”

“i guess some of that is right. but its hard, yknow? being slow? not being able to do ‘big’ things as often or as fast as everyone else does. it makes me feel like i cant do them at all.”

“but you do them at some point :]”

“true, but somedays i feel like i cant even do small things. thats what fucks me up.”

“maybe your perspective of small things is too big!!”

“how so?”

“like, you associate yourself as succeeding in doing something unless its a certain amount of things, but what i’m trying to tell you is that-”

“that any amount of things is ok. yeah, i think im starting to get that.”

“hmm hey look at that post!!!! that design kinda looks like the laptop u were wanting to make, right??”

Hmm. I guess it does.

“so that’s good inspiration!! an opportunity to try organizing your thoughts and ideas based on this!!! it’d be a great start at something productive ^^”

Text document gets opened.

The blank page is...anxiety inducing. That familiar tight chest feeling.

The sun is gone.

“it small, its currently meaningless, but... i guess its something.”

(this story ends like it's implying that some major amount of work ended up getting done, but really the protagonist probably wrote like a couple bullet point notes and then went back to doing nothing. but i guess the point was that doing anything at all is still considered productive, and that the concept of pushing + expecting things of yourself is actually damaging your chances of getting better, as it puts expectations at an amount you know you cant currently do, even if its considered small by societies standards)

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{correspondence.rtf}

Sat, 11 Feb 2023 04:32:08 GMT

(08/23/2007)

Entering ~silly.angel.kitty~

@23:52

~silly.angel.kitty~: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIuZUCpm9hc (AN: pretend this is a rip posted to youtube from 2007, i couldnt actually find one)

~silly.angel.kitty~: this song rlly reminded me ov uuuuu^v^b

Xx1xX: thanks; ive heard it before lol

Xx1xX: totally agree

~silly.angel.kitty~: ya ur always talkin abt personal evolution n stuff

~silly.angel.kitty~: n like

~silly.angel.kitty~: ur delusions lmao

~silly.angel.kitty~: aaashadows there and hes the True Self all that lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: (in a good n cool way!!!!!!)

Xx1xX: (>_ლ) yeah i guess i do lol

Xx1xX: "I've been crawling on my belly/Clearing out what could've been/I've been wallowing in my own chaotic/And insecure delusions/I wanna feel the change consume me/Feel the outside turning in/I wanna feel the metamorphosis and/Cleansing I've endured in" this part hits me the hardest tbh

Xx1xX: its like..its all inside of me already. but also idk if im lying to myself about it either, yknow? im simply sitting with it everyday, wanting to let it out somehow because its a hassle to keep it inside; knowing that itd be really good if i did. and this whole song is basically about personal evolution; how're we're meant for a higher power(inner self and urges are remnants of it)and it feels so close to being able to let ourselves do so; but also hard because its a whole separate thing from the body(shadow)and fusing them takes effort

Xx1xX: idk if any of that shit made sense lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: omg duude that sounds so cool fr fr

~silly.angel.kitty~: i think i got sum of it B)b

Xx1xX: thanks lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: i never rlly get that kinda stuff frum music v - v; da stuff i usually listen 2 dont have any lyrics or like all of em are in japanese lol ,lolll

~silly.angel.kitty~: i got moments where i hear a beat or like uhhhhhh rhythm or w/e and im like YEAAAABOUNCE BOUNCE DIS JAMZ SOOOO HARD!!!!!! MY BRAIN SOUNDS LIEK THIS!!!!!! \>w</

~silly.angel.kitty~: just hits me and resonates wit mah soulllll

Xx1xX: yeah thats kinda similar!! (: still some form of relating to self; doesnt always have to be thru lyrics

Xx1xX: howd you come across a Tool song anyway? did know you knew them lol

@00:02

~silly.angel.kitty~: ^^; i heard it in an amv loll

Xx1xX: ahhhh of course lol

Departing ~silly.angel.kitty~

(08/27/2007)

Entering ~silly.angel.kitty~

@00:32

~silly.angel.kitty~:

~silly.angel.kitty~: finished!!!!!^w^

Xx1xX: yoo he looks so cute! your style is always so cool dude

~silly.angel.kitty~: omg ajfhsdfjsdh thankzzzz <<3

Xx1xX: im still working on yuor side of the trade

Xx1xX: *your

~silly.angel.kitty~: np np take ur time!!!!! :3

~silly.angel.kitty~: ummm i was wonderin

~silly.angel.kitty~: would i be able to put 1 of ur ocs in my story > >

Xx1xX: fuck yeah dude go for it

~silly.angel.kitty~: YAYYY i'll give u credit when i finish it^^b

~silly.angel.kitty~: if i ever finish it lolll

~silly.angel.kitty~: im like SO FUCKING TIRED LATELY.........cant even finish a single page

~silly.angel.kitty~: in sooo long

~silly.angel.kitty~: art is relly hard ]: idk why i get like this

Xx1xX: i mean; you dont gotta put your whole ass into each page. not every page needs to be the same quality standard as the last one. as long as the viewer can tell wtf is going on yknow. save the effort and soul suckin for the important plot moments lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: i knowwww v - v;

~silly.angel.kitty~: ive got perfectionism disease!!!!!!!

Xx1xX: you'll end up hating your it or wanting to constantly restart or just straight up quit if you dont get used to being able to sacrifice quality for quantity

Xx1xX: sorry that sounded a little harsh

~silly.angel.kitty~: nah its ok i get it lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: also fairys comic is like just

~silly.angel.kitty~: sooooo good on every page thooo

~silly.angel.kitty~: cant help getttin a lil jealous at her geniusy stuff > ~ <

~silly.angel.kitty~: its so cool that she even hangs out with someone like me cuz like

~silly.angel.kitty~: her art is TOP NOTCH SHIT and im over here like hiii chibi ms paint art hehe ^u^

~silly.angel.kitty~: blaghghgh

Xx1xX: kitty your art is good too. its just different; and unique; in a super cool way;; and you should own that shit

~silly.angel.kitty~: awwww thanksu o//o

~silly.angel.kitty~: ya its the retardation lollllllwwww

~silly.angel.kitty~: i do things mah OWN WAY

~silly.angel.kitty~: hehehe >:3

Xx1xX: yeah thats why its so fuckin sick looking

Xx1xX:

Xx1xX: finally finished it lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: OMFFGGGGG

~silly.angel.kitty~: THIS IS SO AWESOME I LOVE IT!!!!!!! :DDD

Xx1xX: yw lol

Departing Xx1xX

(09/15/2007)

Entering ~silly.angel.kitty~

@23:09

~silly.angel.kitty~: my cosplay is almost reddyyyyy >w<

~silly.angel.kitty~: the wig finally arrived today!!!!!

~silly.angel.kitty~: then gotta make da lil ear pieces and im DONE!!!!!!!!!

Xx1xX: damn i ahvent even started on mine yet

Xx1xX: *havent

~silly.angel.kitty~: u still got like 8 days to finish it

~silly.angel.kitty~: ok mroe like 7 cuz its almost 12 but

~silly.angel.kitty~: its a pretty simple cosplay tho lmao

Xx1xX: yeah lol

Xx1xX: i was talking to Evil earlier and we both decided that the carpool idea would actually work best; since he's half way. i'm gonna bus up to his state and drive with him to the convention center

~silly.angel.kitty~: omg :o

~silly.angel.kitty~: u guys are goin on a roadtrip date awwwww

Xx1xX: lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: for real tho thats so cool that u get to go together

~silly.angel.kitty~: its gonna be fuckin awesome to finally see everyone in person <<3

~silly.angel.kitty~: cuz we've been talking for like YEARS now

~silly.angel.kitty~: and now we get to talk in irl physical 3d form ~w~

~silly.angel.kitty~: i wanna get fairys autograph im such a big fan like aaaaa plz maam lemme paparatzi uuuuu v//v

Xx1xX: lol yeah its gonna be weird. but also kinda cool; i've heard its a really neat experience meeting online friends irl. its apparently so much different from just talking.

~silly.angel.kitty~: YESS

~silly.angel.kitty~: we can all go buy slushies and drink them together :D

~silly.angel.kitty~: no words....just slurpin on the sweet slush....

~silly.angel.kitty~: oh yea u could also probly buy a death note at the con

~silly.angel.kitty~: if u dont wanna make one urself loll

Xx1xX: nah its fine; that's the hardest part of my cosplay; and its barely classified as something hard lol. gotta have some sort of effort in my craft B)

~silly.angel.kitty~: true trueeee

~silly.angel.kitty~: and u already have the black hair for it right?

~silly.angel.kitty~: just gotta get a shirt and some jeans

~silly.angel.kitty~: no fairrr v - v

~silly.angel.kitty~: everyones gonna recognize u and im just gona be just some vn anime girl :/

Xx1xX: i think some people will recognize you dude. there was an anime released; wasnt there?

~silly.angel.kitty~: ya but the north american release was only a couple months ago x[ (AN: kitty is going to the con as Multi from To Heart)

Xx1xX: ah i see

Xx1xX: shouldnt matter if anyone knows who youre cosplaying; you'll look cool anyway

~silly.angel.kitty~: YA >:[

~silly.angel.kitty~: IM GONNA BE DA COOLEST ONE THERE

~silly.angel.kitty~: actually we're ALL GONNA BE DA COOLEST ONES >:]

~silly.angel.kitty~: aafhjsdfsd i cant waitttttttt ^w^!!!

Departing ~silly.angel.kitty~

(09/23/2007)

Entering Xx1xX

@18:55

Xx1xX: hey sorry i ran out on everyone early. i genuinely do feel kinda sick; but the socializing was getting too much for me too

Xx1xX: i know you probably wont read this till later. i think i remember you mentioning you odnt have this on your phone right?

Xx1xX: *dont

Xx1xX: at least i hope you dont. i dont want this distracting you from being with everyone. that'd be a bit of dick move from me lol

Xx1xX: idk i guess im just not as practiced with this as you all are. im not saying i wasnt having fun;; the con was great and seeing you all in person was exactly like i've heard it being. i mean fuck; i wouldnt even be friends with Evil and Fairy if it wasn't for you

Xx1xX: im sorry im like this; i know this was supposed to be a fun thing and im kinda ruining the mood of that intention. i dont hate you or the others. i just dont know how to do stuff like this.

Xx1xX: fuck i wish i could delete messages sorry you have to see all this shit

Departing Xx1xX

(09/24/2007)

Entering ~silly.angel.kitty~

@01:05

~silly.angel.kitty~: im home now!!!!

~silly.angel.kitty~: omg im soooooo tired ~ - ~

~silly.angel.kitty~: wish i couldve gotten a carpool like u

~silly.angel.kitty~: i was ready to fuckin die in the middle of the highway istg man

Xx1xX: lol welcome back

Xx1xX: i got home about an hour ago; the first ep of the new metalocalypse season was already airing so i had to wait for it to finish recording (>_ლ)

~silly.angel.kitty~: oh cool!!! how was it :o

Xx1xX: it was pretty good lol

Xx1xX: it was a nice thing to come back home to

~silly.angel.kitty~: aaa luckyyyy -w-

~silly.angel.kitty~: my show ended on the 16th

~silly.angel.kitty~: i dont think its gettin a 2nd season tho ]:

~silly.angel.kitty~: maybe hopefully some ova's????? idk

~silly.angel.kitty~: how was ur ride back with Evil/ren?

Xx1xX: it was alright; we mostly listened to music and took turns with the aux cord. i mean; we talked a bit but i think we both are good with silence yknow? i like that about him

~silly.angel.kitty~: awww cute^w^

Xx1xX: lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: also hey btw u dont have to worry abt how u talk to me

~silly.angel.kitty~: ik we talked a bit abt this arleady cuz like. ya. i got this on my phone

~silly.angel.kitty~: (srry i didnt tell u that part earlier lol)

~silly.angel.kitty~: but it really wasnt as big of a deal as u thought!!! im not perfect at that stuff either

~silly.angel.kitty~: none of us are tbh

~silly.angel.kitty~: ok actually fairy is pretty good at it ig lmao

~silly.angel.kitty~: BUT ur not actually that bad dw ^^b

~silly.angel.kitty~: i like the way u talk and act dude <<3

Xx1xX: :,) thanks man

Xx1xX: i like the way you are too lol

Xx1xX: i mean; i can talk fine with the other 2; but youre really easy to talk to. even if i dont talk much in response lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: ya im literally fine with that lol

~silly.angel.kitty~: i can talk to make up for the both of us >:3

Xx1xX: lol works for me

Xx1xX: alright im gonna head to bed

Xx1xX: gn dude

~silly.angel.kitty~: gn!!! <3

Xx1xX: <3

Departing ~Xx1xX~

comments

《 LOCAL PERSON GETS PTSD FROM EGO DEATH 》

Wed, 18 Jan 2023 07:15:00 GMT

(a collage of several different vent journal entries, over the span of jan 6th - jan 15th)

Tag Line;

~~being suicidal and hating myself blah blah blah~~
i am a reincarnated soul. i am all my souls and lives behind me.

Intro;

i cant tell if i ever really felt like i could be present in those ones or if it just this one. i feel like a glitch in the system, and i have my whole life(outside of the autism). like i was messed up from the start. like i was never meant to be fully understood by the other humans, to be able to explain myself in a way i would want them to understand. im not even supposed to understand myself, i think im just supposed to exist. i was made to be an observer, only existing to relay information and wisdom to others. never to be accepted, as i am not supposed to be truly acknowledged as more than a narrator(like in fight club). im not meant to have a name. well, i am, just not one that others can use. the world exists as a place for gods and angels and demons to give me information, and for me to process and give back to the others around me. an ecosystem. i was wrong in dreams having any place in this, but i was right that i am my true self in them. i can fully exist as my soul(when realized) through dreams. i am one person who can actively practice to live without needing to explain myself, and can say and do whatever i want, relationships small and fleeting with the only purpose being to experience them in the moment and not worry when or if we'll ever meet again.

its hard for me to practice these beliefs irl, as they have consequences attached to them. other people exist on the same level as i do, and the human level isnt very forgiving. i wanna be anonymous again and say whatever i want. post whatever i want. be whoever i want. use any images i want. i should just do that anyway. if my friends dont like me than theyre not real friends.

there is something spiritually enlightening about being entirely anonymous tho, the internet is interesting for this possibility. but its unhealthy for me to not be true to the people who know me. i have to wrap my head around allowing myself to exist however i want without witholding things.

Part 1, Ego Death;

i realized recently that i have more blocks than i thought. when i tried to let myself view《~~natalie~~》, i restricted myself out of knowing it'd bring me discomfort. ive never felt that way for a thought before(i always address everything). i think its bc i really dont know what im supposed to do with her. am i supposed to let her go or let her grow? i dont wanna be her, bc i(several alters) dont like her, but ego death is suppose to be accepting that you are not just that part of you, that youre multifaceted. but also the reason you havent moved on is bc of those restrictions. you need to address and understand and accept that part of yourself in order to let her go, which just sounds like a cliche phrase with no meaning, but you have to figure out what the instructions are.

as we've come to learn, the real transformation comes from the previous internalization of femininity, as well as the false perception of being bubbly all the time(irl we're not, internally we are, so theres the confusion). we have many different faces, all during different emotions. we hated that tomboy extrovert personality type even when we were the person our brain associates with being that, so i dont think we ever were that. ego death is a process of accepting that you are not just one thing, and you dont need to view yourself as anything, you just need to truly exist as yourself.

things we didnt know about ourselves is that we are quite shy. we are also quite loud, but in a masculine way. we're forcing the newer bunny views onto ourselves, but also its somewhat true. its hard to know for sure when we're just by ourselves in an echo-chamber of thoughts, as they arent as genuine as real reactions. i dont know how to view myself as just myself without thinking about gender, since i have such a tainted view of what being female and gay is. i view it as masculine, a girl trying to be a boy, which i am not doing. i am a girl trying to be feminine, who also is bisexual and bigender, which just appears as a glitchy mass in my brain....i wish i could see it clearly. see myself clearly(im different than everyone else, is what i say, even tho i know its just based on false views of others).

i have a lot of ideal forms, but i think i have to recognize that my 'ego' self from before was also based on ideals, and not reality. i was much different irl than i was as my past 'ego', and i actually misremember that experience. i didnt exist as the person i view myself as as an outer percpective.

a concept that hasnt fully been explored yet is Full Femininity. i dabbled a bit on it when i had long hair, and its impossible to do so again without it. i had a theory recently that a part of the restriction comes from past rejections of femininity in order to be unique and fit what i wanted to be based on the people i liked. im not a tomboy, but im also not entirely light colors either. i have times where i think itd be fun to dressup emo or scene, but prefer those outfits to have some femininity in their stylization too. i have spent my entire life pushing away dressing or presenting Girly, only in the recent years(being able to due to t) trying out dressing in bright colors and feminine clothing. always in an alternative way as to excuse it. but looking like a Girl is another thing im coming to realize that i've blocked away. i remember being a kid and secretly loving it when girls put makeup on me, and i secretly liked the popular Girly Girl lifestyle too. i just didnt understand why girls like that liked me, so i pushed the lifestyle, as well as them, away out of confusion. but its ok now. people dont see me as female anymore.

at the same time i crave to uplift both my male and female traits. longer hair, prettier face, more beard, lower voice. i need to go on a higher dose of t again. i wish i could just change my voice so i could feel better. and i wish my bangs would lie flat and cover my eyebrows. i wanna sound like a newgrounds guy and be a pretty girl at the same time. i realized i need for others to hear my voice and think im male, the need for others to think im male.

looking at my old 2014 passport and i. i think that theres intersex genes in the family(i suspect my aunt but have never asked) and i'll never know if i was intersex or not bc of my current hormone fuckup lifestyle....i was supposed to be a little boy who blossomed into a girl but not in a detransitioned radfem way. a genetic + mentally ill way.

and comparing my old face and my new face in the mirror i saw myself differently than all the other times ive looked at old photos. i looked completely like a stranger. and that might be a good thing. thats the whole current mindset, right? that we dont want to recognize ourselves? in order to move on and be a new person? it was weird. it was like seeing the conclusion i already knew but clearer. i looked like her, but bc of that my view of my current face started to change, and i think it will even more when i get my hair back.

i need to somehow view that past self thats stuck in here as someone different. as someone who is a girl. not comparing them to any pre-perceived views of people. and i need to learn to be open about it too....i struggle with that bc i dont know if its true or not yet. i know that people already have their own perceptions of me different than what i want, but lying to them about something im not 100% certain on yet feels weird.

Part 2, Past Feelings Re-examined;

saw a girl in one of my dreams last night and felt attracted to her, and questioned why. and questioned what it was i was really feeling(while in the dream for a brief moment).

thinking afterwards about what if she was in front of me. what if she said 'i love you, i want to take care of you, i love you so much as you are' and hugged me tight.....is that friendship? is that just close friends? if she were embracing me from behind in bed, and she wasnt afraid to do so....and if she really genuinely meant it.

i could never tell if the attraction i felt towards girls when i was younger was romantic or just bc i was lonely. if i just wanted to be their friends. bc i was always the only alt kid in my grade since i was little, and i mightve just wanted to have an alt friend, yknow? i only ever managed to get an alt friend once while in grade 8/9, and all i got from that was an aroace ramble in my Secret Diary Text File at the time. but i couldve also been pushing away feelings too.

being bisexual and multigender is so confusing. its confusing bc its the answer that i can never seem to find, and yet i know it already. i wish i got crushes more often so i could analyze it more.

i want to believe in not having to work for finding or maintaining relationships, but rather just letting them come to me as god decides. except, he has done that, and i keep saying No to them. but i have to learn that a truly good relationship, even a friendship, you wont want to say no to. you'll want to talk to them. human relationships are the hardest thing for someone not human.

comments

{Waiting...}

Wed, 18 Jan 2023 06:08:42 GMT

things im currently growing;

my Hair ➪ i cut it all off august 26th, so its been almost 5 months. its painful to wait bc i have no control over how fast it grows, and it'll most likely take another 6 months or so just to get it back down to shoulder length.

my Nails ➪ this is the first time ive grown them out! its getting easier with time, but i still have to stop myself from picking at the skin. about half of them have grown past my finger tip and im still getting used to them. i wanna paint them when theyve all grown out^^b

my Beard ➪ i recently started trying to use the gel packs again, but its hard forcing myself to do it every night. also the current dose is too low and my voice is getting higher again. im not sure when my next checkup is but i hope its soon....theres a couple hairs starting to grow on my jaw, but its still mostly just my chin.

my Money ➪ goal is 6000 by june, but i get paid 900 a month(minus 200 for rent)(minus anything else but im trying to have a budget of at most 50 a month) and im only at just over 2000. i might make it if i try hard enough(i wanna go be mentally ill in japan i think).

my Eyebrows ➪ i usually have them shaved but im attempting to grow them out rn, with the goal to eventually....maintain them? shape them? have normal eyebrows for once? but somehow have them in a way where i dont hate them? idk.

comments

{Perfect Tech Era ramblings}

Sat, 03 Dec 2022 00:52:18 GMT

(source: ayanami raising project)

peace on earth would be having a website like this......its the same font from serial experiments lain i think.

i really wanna work towards using more programs and external websites, as well as old game systems. basically anything during the Perfect Tech Era (1999 - 2012). dreamcast, gamecube, ps2 + ps3, xbox + xbox 360, wii + wii u, ds + dsi + 3ds, windows xp + vista + 7, both flipphones and smartphones, any tech toys made during that time.

favs from this list; dreamcast, gamecube, ps3, xbox 360, wii u(since it has the ability use the older wii as well), 3ds, all 3 windows types(sadly i can only use 7, since its the oldest that most newer programs are compatible with). eventually i when i have the money and energy to do so, i want to create my own smartphone and laptop....but thats for another post ;3

the goal is to use tech as it shouldve been used, without ads or algorithms, with the intention to just connect and create and have fun!(the only modern console exception is the Quest bc it also abides by these rules, unlike a lot of other modern consoles).

Connecting with others;
PostPet - virtual pet simulator that doubles as an email service
DreamFlyer + PinkRabbit - dreamflyer is a dreamcast postcard making service, and pinkrabbit is used to view the postcards(pinkrabbit can also be used for postcard making as well)
Pesterchum - a fictional chat client from homestuck made into reality, similar in function and design to AOL. it has several cool themes to choose from(with the option to make your own, if you can figure it out) as well as a large library of regular + homestuck related emojis.
Neocities - this is my favorite free website builder!! you do have to have some html/css knowledge, but tbh its fine to just steal assets from other people lol
BitView - clone of the older/superior version of youtube. i havent used it much yet, but its a good alternative to modern youtube, as well as being a generally good video hosting service

VRChat - vr + pc mmo with custom avatars and voicechat. havent tried it yet. waiting till i move out and have a place to myself.
FriendProject - old myspace clone. i just use it as a list of all my interests, but you can add friends, dm, make posts, and make blog posts.

my goal is to eventually buy my own ps3 + 3DS XL to add friends on, and i feel like i'll probably get the xbox 360 when i move out(i doubt my sibling wants it, but who knows). steam is ok to use imo, and i want to someday use it more....

comments

{distortion/dramatization of time through the lens of mental illness}

Wed, 16 Nov 2022 00:17:52 GMT

(copy-pasted from my vent blog)

i was thinking about my highschool years AGAIN last night. but then i was remembering that bit in homestuck where john realizes that he only knew vriska for like a day. and i need to remind myself of that more. i was there for a year and a half. thats less than ive been out of highschool. none of those people matter. none of what happened actually matters(not true, they affected my brain forever as a bi-product of their behavior). im only 20.

for the first time in my life i feel young. i feel like ive barely been alive. all my previous years i spent focused on the year itself, and tho i still never really feel like my age, i suddenly feel like i havent been around that long. like i woke up. everyone younger than 20 thinks 20 is old, but thats only bc 20 years seems like a long time. this year ive unveiled the view of seeing life as incredibly short.

i still consistently have a reoccurring daydream about being older and successful and going back and raising myself, as well as living the aesthetics i didnt know how to experience. the internet and video games mostly. in this recent one i wasnt living at my parents house tho(as i usually imagine it) i had a biiiiig rich house with a bunch of stuff. like vrs and all my tech(also in order to keep your money from the future you need to store in it in something tradable from the past, like gold). i was trying to figure out how to fit in my younger self staying with me along with the divorce agreements(i figured i'd probably want to live there full-time by the time i turned 15, or after grade 8, and move too a new school on the island). oh yea, i lived on the island(vancouver island). i get there when my younger self is 8. and im also making online friends too, and at some point fly them over to play vr and show them my house.

but anyway, i spend a lot of time daydreaming how i couldve made my younger selfs life better by parenting them. but i should probably stop focusing so much on such a short period of time.

comments

{struggles with college application adhd hell}

Tue, 15 Nov 2022 12:04:52 GMT

constantly just feel like im running out of time. while also staying up too late. i stay up late, sleep all day, then stay up late again and feel guilty for it. fuck my health fuck my brain FUCK my inability to do things anymore......

basically my current situation is that i need to finish a film by december. im stuck on the storyboarding. i have the dialog recorded, i have the script planned out, it was supposed to be a mocap film but since that didnt work out its now gonna be done through roto(i planned to let myself have 15 days to do so in case, which i ended up predicting correctly)(roto takes a lot longer as its manual). the thing is tho, just 17 seconds into the storyboards. ive come to the realization that....its boring. its 2 people talking back and forth. its gonna be a 5 minute long vent about something that only a select amount of people might even manage to comprehend. it may be cool and show off my way of thinking, but its definitely not something thatll grab the attention of the absolute stranger in charge of sifting through hundreds of college applications.

i need to basically brainstorm a film that i can film entirely on my own, in the environment that i live in. which is why i originally wanted to make a digital film. all through......i am going somewhere on the weekend. i could maybe film something there. something involving a character going back and forth. maybe a character collecting something in different places? or maybe just experiencing life there. trying to get something out of them.

or perhaps something is making them uncomfortable. something else is making them move from place to place.

alright, short film where a character tries to find a comfortable place to work on a script. it starts with them trying to get comfortable in their own room, but a voice in their head tells them that they need to get out more, which results in them taking off their headset. title card "discomfort". cut to roto character taking off headset in a virtual place, scrolling through a list of places. another character(their inner demon) shows up, looking over their shoulder, commenting on the places. they choose a nice park. cuts to protag at the park(all the irl stuff is first person), sitting under a tree, looking at their blank document. they type exterior day, but get stuck. the demon chimes in on how the place is too public, someone might see them like this. headset transition into the virtual place again. protag chooses another apartment. fast cuts of setting up at a desk. staring at the screen, staring out the window.. then tries setting up sitting on the bed. stick mentally blocked. transition to places like a library, a dock, and a porch staring at the sunset. the demon says other all these cuts that its not that fucking hard to start you know, at least for other people anyway, do you even know what youre doing? is this even what you want to be spending your time stressing over? a sigh from the protag. transition back to the digital world. the protag finally speaks 'why wont you let me work?' to which the demon replies 'i dont think you want to' -> 'bullshit' -> 'then go do it. go make something.' -> .... protag is back in their room. just standing there. then cuts to black.

now i have to actually make this into a script and hope its under 5 minutes -_-;

comments

Mon, 14 Nov 2022 11:20:32 GMT

10 minutes away from 3am.

i havent been staying up late as often as i used to, but lately i've fell back into it. perhaps the new job adding a foreign source of routine is causing my brain to get urges to rebel again. who knows....i guess it's my responsibility to find out though.

journaling on here is much different from what im used to(tumblr mobiles smaller layout)(this one is a bit pressuring with its size). journaling on here feels like theres an expected professionalism, so i'll have to force myself to get used to it(this isnt a school assignment, theres no marks, nobodies grading you....). i have a couple of peoples substack journals bookmarked, the lengthy rambling sense of them activating my inspiration like an ingrained envious sleeper agent, but never really leading to anything(public, anyway)(here i am now i guess).

exactly 3am now.

my private tumblr is like an archive of a human brain, mix of teen girl diary entries and psych course papers, as well as a scrapbook of images desperately trying to form together to create a picture of ones identity(but forever adding more pieces). i do hope to make use of it someday. like picking pieces to edit into poems(some people say that poems can also be essays with rhythmical formatting. lucky me). i actually came across a website (either yesterday or several days ago) that takes submissions for literature from 'weirdos', created by a youtuber who's essay videos got fortunately graced by the youtube god algorithm. the site seems trustworthy based on the content of her videos.

10 minutes after 3am.

20 minutes of writing felt like nothing. has it really been that long? what have i been doing this whole time? i know i havent looked at any social media, nor have i watched any videos....did i zone out? or am i just a slow typer?(i got 46 words per minute earlier today when i took the test for the first time, which i dont think is too bad...maybe).

i was going to write about fixing my lifestyle, organizing it neatly in this little word container, promising to edit it in the future as i put the thoughts and theories into motion. having a place to put it instead of just leaving it to be lost in my vent blog(not true, i tag everything, but who's to say i'll actually check the tags <<). i've attempted it so many times in the past, different methods, different wording, bare minimum of expected effort, never successfully finding the sweet spot of productivity that ends up sticking.

20 minutes after 3am.

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＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ 😇＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚

{changes_changes+change}

{See U In 3 Years....}

{having issues in the eyes of the public}

{acceptance for the people in my head}

❄_ON;SPEAKING;TERMS_❄

{interrupted.rtf}

{correspondence.rtf}

《 LOCAL PERSON GETS PTSD FROM EGO DEATH 》

{Waiting...}

{Perfect Tech Era ramblings}

{distortion/dramatization of time through the lens of mental illness}

{struggles with college application adhd hell}

＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚ 😇＊•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙˚